The Best “Anti” Anti-Ageing Skin Care Regime – A ridiculously absurd guide for skin care
Haven’t you heard? Smooth, healthy looking skin is out and wrinkly, spotty and leathery skin is in. All of the celebrities are rocking this new look and it is in all of the latest magazines. Everybody wants to look like an old catcher’s mitt.
What do you mean? You have spent years looking after your skin avoiding this new and exciting look? Have no fear. All is not lost for you yet. There is still time to get those wrinkles that you have always wanted. Pull up a seat in a tanning bed, grab a cigarette and follow these tips that will quickly have you looking years older than you really are. How chic.
- Get into the sun immediately. There is no time to waste. If you are going to have those wrinkles you want, you need to increase your exposure to the sun massively. Spend as much time as possible in the sun, preferably when the sun’s rays are at their harshest. If it is winter or where you live doesn’t get a lot of sun, move to the desert. If that doesn’t work for you, head to a tanning bed.
- Throw away that sunscreen. You don’t want anything shielding your skin from the lovely ageing effects of the sun. If you have been using a zinc-based sunscreen, you need to get rid of it immediately.
- Smoke. If you want to get those wrinkles and dry skin in a hurry, you need to smoke as many cigarettes as possible. We recommend smoking in confided spaces to maximize the effects.
- Do absolutely nothing to your skin. Do not wash your face. Do not moisturise. Do not use any anti-ageing skin care products. This includes vitamin C and B, retinol, peptides and pigment suppression serums. Are you crazy? You don’t want to undo all of your hard work with these anti-ageing creams and serums.
- Do not sleep enough. Getting just one or two hours of sleep a night will ensure that your body does not have time to undo all of your hard work. As an added bonus, minimal sleep will give you those lovely dark circles under the eye, which are all the rage at the moment.
- Don’t drink enough water. Keeping hydrated will help your skin stay smooth and wrinkle free. Why would you want that? Drink just enough water to survive and then only drink coffee. This will also help to produce those to die for yellow teeth that all the celebs are getting.
With a little effort on your part, you will be the talk of the town with your new look. By following “The Best “Anti” Anti-Ageing Skin Care Regime”, you will have the most wrinkly, spotty, splotchy and dried out skin around. You will look gorgeous.
*Disclaimer- Obviously, this is a joke and not to be taken seriously in any way at all. In fact, you should do the exact opposite of what this guide says. Don’t play around with your skin people. This is no laughing matter.